Envelopes and Intrigue - Suspicion In a #10 World
There was a time (and yes I'm old enough to remember but not too old to tell if I was having a porridge induced dream or not) when receiving an envelope in the mail held about the same majesty as would finding a sealed scroll on your doorstep. Is it a letter from a friend or relative? Maybe. Is it a flyer from a local store offering huge discounts? Possibly. Is it a surprise bonus cheque from your boss in appreciation of your work? Hopefully.
This is not that time. Not anymore. Today, we mostly get contest entry forms that boldly and honestly say "You may already be a loser," and election flyers for some guy whose picture looks like it was taken with defunct passport cameras. You know; the ones where it looks like the flash surprised him mid-enema.
But once in a while, an envelope appears in our mailbox with proper name, address and postage like it was sent on purpose. And this is where the real intrigue begins.
Because the larger the envelope, the larger the uncertainty. A tiny square could be a thank-you card. An 8x10 padded mailer could be anything from a heartfelt apology set to a Bee Gees tune or a badly folded poster of Batman '88. (And yes, if you've noticed a Bee Gees reference in almost every post, it is intentional and will be explained at some point. Maybe. Possibly. But most likely not.) And then there's the chain letters, the invitations to get financing from some company who wants to steal your self-respect, and the dreaded manila envelope - the true cloak and dagger of correspondence.
Envelopes are drama, people! Drama... with a stamp. And... we're about to... take a journey deep into their shifty little folds.
(If you haven't already, go back to that last sentence and read it while imagining Sir Richard Attenborough's voiceover)
The Bigger the Envelope, the Bigger the Mystery
Let's talk size for a moment. Like most things in life - SUV's, stacks of paperwork, my typical run-on sentences - bigger is not always better.
- Standard #10 envelope: Predictable. It's probably a utility bill or an invitation to donate to a cause you've never heard of. Like the FMWF (fill my wallet fund).Or, it could be a credit card offer sent to you in the hopes you'll actually apply and give the senders a good laugh. It's the sweat pants of envelopes; functional, uninspired, and a 50/50 chance to be disappointing.
- Oversized Envelope: A little more intriguing. Possibly nerve-wracking. Could hold your long lost diploma, or a jury summons. Yahoo!
- Padded Envelope: Now we're getting to the real tension building stuff. In the padded envelope you might find a thoughtful gift from your Aunt Eunice. On the other hand, it could be divorce papers from someone in Soho you've never even met. Either way, the intrigue is as thick as the bubble wrap.
- Rigid Photo Mailer: This is the fancy one because whatever's inside has likely been laminated. It's either a wedding photo, a pitch from Aunt Eunice's kid asking for investors in his latest start-up, or a restraining order printed on 120lb cardstock. I'm guessing.
What Not to Send in an Envelope (Because We've All Been Dave)
First, I need to explain that Dave is a concept, not a person. A convenient scapegoat for every collective blunder, strange idea, or group chat oopsie. Someone forgot to take the spoon out of their soup when heating it in the microwave? Dave did it. Someone licked a subway pole for TikTok fame? Classic Dave. Your office lunchroom smells like dirty socks, mackerel, and mystery curry? Yep - Dave. Blaming Dave is about creativity not cruelty; he's shorthand for "someone's done something stupid and I'm not ready to admit it was me."
When things don't go as planned in your life, sigh and blame Dave. We'll all understand. Remember: "When in doubt; Dave it out." - Ancient Proverb, written on world's oldest known pub napkin.
(Ok, back to my original line of thought. Deep breath. Coffee. Slap all 4 cheeks and focus.)
People underestimate how quickly mail can go from charming to deeply concerning. So, here's a quick guide to things you should absolutely never send:
- Sandwiches: Not real. Not metaphoric. Not even a symbolic sandwich. Unless you want your letter opened by someone in a hazmat suit.
- Messages with letters cut from magazines: This doesn't say "artistic." It says "I'm casually honing the art of ransom notes." Psycho, much?
- Hair clippings: Adding this to the magazine letters does not help, contrary to popular opinion. And Dave, we've talked about this. You're not as cool as Van Gogh. Frankly, even he was pushing it.
- Unlabeled white powder: Never funny. Not even if it's powdered sugar and the envelope says "Free Donuts Inside." Especially unfunny if you send it to a police station. That's how you end up on a government watchlist. Again.
Homemade Envelopes: For When Paper Isn't Artsy Enough
- Aluminum foil: Could technically be an envelope. Also technically able to make postal scanners and airport security extremely nervous.
- Pages torn from a cookbook: Nostalgic and clever if you're sending a casserole recipe you found in a book you bought in a thrift store to your best friend. Not so much for submitting your taxes.
- Duct tape envelope: Surprisingly sturdy. Also surprisingly hard to open without power tools.
- Potatoes: Yes, this one actually happened. Somebody once put an address on a spud with a Sharpie and successfully mailed it. The potato was the envelope. Also quite a thoughtful note: Thinking of you and a tasty side dish.
Mailing a Piece of Yourself (Not Literally, Dave)
A hand-written letter is a deeply personal thing. It's a little piece of you in ink, a bit of thoughtfulness in the age of blinking cursors. That said, "a little piece of you" should remain figurative.
**A special side note (envelope not withstanding) to Dave here. You told me you sent your nose hair clippings to the Smithsonian for DNA analysis. At this point you know, and I know. And that's too much.**
Think about these as ways to personalize your envelope without invoking biohazard protocols. Use unique stationery; bonus points for googly eyes. Write in your own handwriting, not that font that makes it look like your pen was being held by a dying soldier in 1781 or an over-stimulated lab monkey. Include a photograph or a card. Something that asks "Can you tell I was thinking of you?" and not "Do you think this will stand up in court?".
Envelopes are more than capable of carrying pieces of your heart, humor and compassion, but never anything that requires refrigeration.
The Envelope as Theatre
Create anticipation with a good envelope. Consider it a teaser trailer for what lies within. If you do it well, it's practically a performance art.
A wax seal implies elegance, or at least plays into your sisters princess mentality. Colored envelopes whisper "This isn't a bill! Probably." How about sending an unmarked envelope with no return address? Ooh, that's drama. That is true and pure intrigue. It's also how cults recruit, so maybe don't overdo the mystery.
Experiment a little. Sign your return address as "You Know Who...And Why" or even "Definitely Not A Secret Society." Do anything you can think of to make your envelope the most interesting thing in the mailbox, even if the message inside is simply, "Hi. I made you look. And a little nervous. Your welcome!"
Final Delivery
I hope I've made y'all realize that envelopes aren't simply office supplies. They're the cloak and dagger messengers of our inner lives. Whether you're sending love, paperwork, or a wedding invitation to distant cousin Eddie who's been living as a recluse with only tins of sardines to keep him company, your envelope makes the first impression. Make it weird and wonderful; just don't make it out of ham.
And please, Dave. No more bodily souvenirs. You're still not as cool as Van Gogh.
Your mind is pretty amazing in that you make the subject of envelopes funny and not boring... love it!!!
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