Football: Violent Hugs on the Gridiron

 Football is many things to many people. It's a sport, a strategy, a culture, and an excuse to eat enough hot wings in one sitting to guarantee bloating for the next three days. But at it's core, football is about one thing: extremely aggressive group hugs.

Try to imagine the following scenario in any other setting: A big, muscle-bound man sprints 20 yards at full speed with the intention of wrapping his arms around another muscle-bound man and throwing him to the ground and then holding him while others pile on. Depending on your background, that's either a felony or a family reunion. But in football? First down.

There's something both slightly unhinged and endearing about a game where bombastic physical contact is precisely scheduled, refereed, and replayed in slow motion while commentators praise someone's abilities to hit another human with the force and accuracy of a guided missile. Man, that's beautiful!

Fashion and Emotion on the Field

There is a certain fashion style related to football. Bright colours, not always complimentary, and big, bold serial numbers that allow a player to identify what truck just hit him. However, we also have to consider the tighter than tight pants, the shoulder pads big enough to have to check-in with baggage at airports, and the helmets designed for headbutting with panache. Add to that the eye black under the eyes - to reduce glare, from the sun or the coach.

And when a touchdown is scored? Oh, that's when you're in for a treat. Because this is the interpretive dance portion of the game of football, and where it truly becomes an art form. Trust me, you haven't lived until you see six grown men in gladiator attire doing a choreographed version of Macarena, or a 340-pound lineman doing the worm.

The Rulebook is Merely a Suggestion (Until It Isn't)

Football has slightly more rules than the tax forms of most countries. And they all kind of sound like they were made up by a committee of kidnapped executives trapped for years in a windowless basement.

Let's review a few of the best and worst. I'll try to give a day to day example of a true to life situation, and then how it relates to the game. Hopefully some of it will actually make some sort of sense:

#1. Illegal Formation: A run-on sentence with dyslexia. Nobody, not even the players, really know what this is. The ball is snapped, flags fly, the ref gives a brief power pointless presentation, and we all nod our heads like we understand.

#2. Roughing the Passer: Throwing your fountain drink at the car attempting to blow by you on the highway. The quarterback just released the ball and BOOM - a linebacker weighing in at 270-pounds decides it's time for a piggyback ride. It's late, it's too high, and it's unnecessary, but it felt like the right thing to do in the moment. It's essentially road rage with cleats.

#3. Too Many Men on the Field: The family reunion where Uncle Dave photo-bombed the 'just the girls' picture. This one's easier to explain. In the NFL, the team is only allowed 11 players on the field. Any more, and it looks like the offensive coordinator just yelled "free beer" at a sports bar.

#4. Ineligible Man Downfield: Your accountant trying to join a bachelorette party. Offensive linemen have but one job: be large and get in the way. Occasionally, one of them wanders off, like the old man at the home who believes he's Jupiter and has to get back to his regular orbit. If this happens during a passing play, it's a case of wrong place, wrong vibe.

#5. Neutral Zone Infraction: Farting in the Elevator. You moved too soon, crossed an invisible line, and now everyone's as uncomfortable as the Bee Gees at a Metallica afterparty. Play stops. Eyes turn. You know what you did.

NFL vs CFL: Two Nations Divided by a Common Ball

Now, let's take a polite detour north of the 49th parallel. The NFL is American football at its loudest, flashiest, and most expensive. The CFL (Canadian Football League) is what happens when you take that game and add politeness, maple syrup, and a weekly feeding of poutine.

Key differences:

CFL has 12 players per team on the field instead of 11. Why? Because beer, donuts, cases of pop, and traffic violations all come in increments of 12 in Canada. Also, somebody has to be the designated 'at a boy booty slapper after a great play.

CFL has 3 downs instead of four. Because in Canada, we love to hear our countrymen with French accents say "Dat's tree-and-a-turd yard needed by down." We also like a faster game so there's still time to go out and about for a rip after too, eh.

The CFL field is longer and wider. More space to be polite when tackling someone. Also, as the ad campaign said, "Our balls are bigger."

Tackling in the CFL feels different. You can almost imagine one big guy wrestling down another while saying "Sorry, bud, I've gotta bring you down now. It's nothing personal, eh? Want a Timbit?"

Even the fans are gentler. In the NFL, a questionable call gets a referee pelted with beer cans and angry fans swearing in rhyme. In the CFL, a questionable call inspires a group sigh and a hearty OSKEE-WEE-WEE. Regional joke folks. If you get it, you get it.

And we have to compare the end zone dances. In the NFL, a celebration is a one-man show with aspirations of being on Broadway. In the CFL, they are celebratory group dances that nobody paid to watch but got treated to anyway.

Couch Quarterbacks and Armchair Offensives

Football has become a nation-wide ritual of men yelling at their TVs. Somehow, watching a game from the armchair you wish had a hidden toilet compartment so you wouldn't have to get up instantly qualifies you to lead a professional team. Your playing days consisted of you getting benched in phys-ed class in high school, but sure, you now know better than the coach with 40 years experience.

Now you're on the couch, full of beer and nachos and shouting things like "Run the slant, you fool!" It's like going to a play and yelling at the actors on stage that they're standing in the wrong spot. They don't hear you, and if they did, they sure wouldn't take notes.

The Warmth Beneath the War Paint

Football gives us a sense of community because it's a good time, a tradition, and it involves three generations yelling at the screen together on game night. It's tailgates, getting together with friends, fantasy leagues, rivalries between cities, and fandom at its most rabid.

Whether you follow the NFL, the CFL, or enjoy both equally, there's something to be said for the snacks, the atmosphere, and the game itself being so consistent. There's something nearly human about a game that involves one part strategy and nine parts avoiding that strategy by any means necessary.

Football: The Ultimate Group Hug

Call it a contact sport, or your favorite Sunday soap opera, or a tangled mess of bloody knuckles and funky odours. Yes, odours. I played in high school. Imagine 22 (or 24 if you're a Canuck) guys who've already been exerting themselves for hours lining up within a yard of each other for that one final 'tush push' into the end-zone. Hold your breath and wait for the snap! Then...GROUP HUG!!! 

There's nothing quite like it, this battleground of violent hugs, explosive pageantry, and sweating off 10 pounds in three hours. And whether you're watching for the touchdowns, the penalties, the polite Canadian tackles, or the chance to scream "PASS INTERFERENCE" at full volume, you've been pulled in to something great!

Next time you see a linemen absolutely destroy a quarterback, remember it's not violence. It's affection with tremendous force.

And hopefully a helmet.

(NOTE: No quarterbacks were harmed in the writing of this blog. Except that one guy. You know the one.)