Kilts, Fabio's Blouse and a Goose on a Rollercoaster

 What do confidence, fashion, and random bird attacks have in common? Other than making me giggle, absolutely nothing!

There are certain moments in life when happenstance hands you a laugh-til-you-cry worthy opportunity. 

Like when you wear a kilt to a formal Scottish wedding and the wind decides it's time for a Marilyn Monroe tribute.

Or that time in 1986 when you tried on the pirate-style shirt the guy in the Duran Duran video wore and somebody walked by and said "Nice blouse." 

There's very few men who can pull off masculinity in poofy sleeves.

My personal favorite: when a goose smashes into a man's face at 80km/hr mid-rollercoaster ride and the world collectively Googles "Supermodel vs Poultry."

We'll start there. Because if you're under 30 and don't know who Fabio is, you've missed out on the most truly bizarre slice of pop culture.

Who is Fabio? Why Was He on a Rollercoaster?

Fabio Lanzoni.  Yes, that is his real name. I was hoping it was Herschel McGee or Argyle Sox, or something like that. But no, he gets a cool name as well as being beautiful. 

I can say that as a fellow beautiful person. 

Fabio rose to fame in the 80's and 90's for being on the cover of almost every romance novel published in those decades.

Think long, flowing golden hair, impossibly chiseled abs, cheekbones so high sunglasses sit on his forehead, and a wardrobe that only had unbuttoned pirate shirts that bellowed in even the slightest of breezes.

So ... me. Only not.

If ever there was a spokesman for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter that made women buy margarine by the trunk load and try to steal the life sized cardboard cutout from the grocery store, it was Fabio.

A wannabe Fabio also did a Dairy Queen commercial in which he told a man to stop being "a baby" as he seduced his wife in the middle of their wind-blown living room. Cuz, yeah, that's an everyday occurrence.

However, this was a real occurrence: 

1999. The grand opening of the Apollo's Chariot rollercoaster in Virginia. Fabio was riding up front for a photo-op  when a Canada goose failed to honk when it got too close and collided with his face mid-ride.

Feathers, blood, and sheer confusion rifled through the air. Fabio got a cut on his nose and some goose on his blouse. I think he even said in an interview, "Ahh, I got goose on my blouse."

Ok, take a minute to think about this. That's the equivalent of riding a motorcycle without a helmet down a country road and someone throws a frozen turkey at your left eyeball. And he got a cut on his nose. Not broken. Not even bruised real bad. A cut!!

If that was me, surgeons would be picking feathers out of my esophagus so I could speak without my words sounding flighty.

An Italian model on an American rollercoaster named after a Greek god was struck by a mid-flight Canadian goose. And as always, the Canadian suffered the most because of the exchange rate. 

It didn't survive. 

Fabio did, left with a cut on his nose and a top spot in the "I couldn't make this up" hall of fame.

Lesson? If Hitchcock's The Birds ever becomes a reality, find a male supermodel and hunker down behind his axe nose and chiseled cheekbones.

Kilts: Formal Attire AND Air Conditioned Pants

I've always wanted to have a good excuse for wearing a kilt. It's not heritage or Scottish formality that would motivate me. My buddy Stewart once challenged whether or not I'd have the courage to do it. 

Challenge accepted. 

I've just never had the right opportunity yet.

To me, kilts look amazing. Comfortable. Breezy. Probably surprisingly empowering as well as making people wonder why your family would choose grey, green and salmon as tartan colors.

It's like wearing a skirt but still looking the part of a medieval warlord that comes to social functions with feral confidence. And bagpipes.

But then, there are the associated nightmares. Standing during a traditional Scottish wedding ceremony, listening to the I do's, when a stiff breeze comes along and suddenly you're flashing the entire bride's side in the first few rows. 

Those poor people were just looking forward to the dancing and deviled eggs.

High risk, high reward garments. Such are kilts. They say "I value air-flow as much as tradition."

To think, ancient warriors used to charge into battle with nothing but a blade and the breeze underneath them. Bagpipes were probably invented to distract from the 'running man peep show.'

Fabio's Blouse: Wholly Masculine, Batman

As I mentioned at the outset, I once tried on a blouse-like shirt. Not just any blouse-like shirt, but a satin, ruffled, full on swashbuckler style straight off a romance novel cover.

It was like Fabio met Liberace on laundry day.

My wife and I were in a thrift store and it whispered to me from the rack. "You could be part of the fantasy, too." So, I slipped it on. I looked fabulous in the mirror. Oddly, the only time I've ever described myself using fabulous.

I suddenly understood the power of the blouse; other than giving Fabio the power to handle being goosed.

You didn't have to walk in that shirt when you could sashay. You didn't speak about stuff while wearing it, you boldly declared things. 

That shirt didn't say 'blend in.' It said "there's a duel at dawn but I won't be there because I'm hunting privateers in Tortuga."

I did indeed live the fantasy. For five minutes. Then I remembered I still needed to pick up frozen waffles and toilet paper. Pirate swagger is no match for Charmin.

The Thread That Connects Them All

As I wrote this, I realized that kilts, Fabio's blouse and a rogue Canada Goose have something in common other that making me laugh and/or want to write about them.

And that something is confidence.

Wearing a kilt requires it. Blouses for men demand it. Taking a flying game-bird to the face while on camera and maintaining your composure while barely bleeding? That's confidence with dignity AND swagger.

It's admirable how some people commit fully to their choices, whether it's their work, their hobbies, or their somewhat risky fashion selection. They know the dangers. They've considered both the breezes and the birds. And they still strut confidently.

Let's all make a vow to try to do that a little more. Not always with reckless abandon, but with enough sense to know that even if things go incredibly awry (like an avian assault), we'll at least have a great story to tell.

Wear the kilt, Stewart. 

Try on the man-blouse, Dave. 

Ride the rollercoaster with the Bee Gees soundtrack, everybody. Keep Stayin' Alive.

And always, always remember: If you're ever in a situation where there's an imminent facial collision with an off-course goose - DUCK

Or better yet, find Fabio. He's got the cheekbones for it.