Xena: Warrior Princess and Other Girls I Never Dated

 I didn't have many girlfriends growing up.

In fact, I didn't have any... unless you count fictional characters, dreams, and possibly that mannequin at Sears I accidentally made eye contact with. But that's literally another post.

It wasn't that I was unattractive. Let me tell you, I had Geek Chic up the metaphorical and literal wazoo. Quite possibly the lateral one, too, thanks to a couple of school bullies who I choose to believe were just jealous. Or on steroids and couldn't manage the aggression. 

And it wasn't that I couldn't dance, recite poetry or do anything else that social situations required in getting to know someone. My problem was in the little things, like making eye contact and saying things without sounding like an orangutan trying to explain that he was constipated. Ughggh!

It definitely wasn't a lack of interest. Like any young man entering the clumsy, always hungry and adorable only to grandma stage of life, I had a healthy curiosity about the female of the species. My species, just to be clear. I wasn't THAT into geek chic.

Vulcans...hmmph.

My awkwardness and shyness (yes, really) led me away from any actual interaction with girls my age. Or older. Younger. Dead for centuries. How you doin', Cleopatra? And this lack of confidence and experience meant I learned all I knew about girls and women from peers and TV.

Which brings me to Xena, Warrior Princess - the original woman to friend-zone me by existing only in comics and then on the tube. In color. Full contrast. Image sharpened.

I digress.

The Early 90's TV Crush Phenomenon

In the early to mid 90's, every kid to teen to pre twenty-something had a TV crush of epic proportions. Girls as well as guys. Hey, none of my guy friends had their rooms painted a bright shade of New Kids On The Block.

Mine just happened to have armbands and carry a chakram that could decapitate a charging rhinoceros at 300 yards. She was both hunter and protector, how could you not be intrigued by that?

And don't be too quick to judge... you had your own TV crush. Whether it was Topanga, Buffy, or you think that Maid Marian from Disney's Robin Hood was a stone-cold fox, at some point your confusion joined the masses.

Early 90's TV taught us three things:

1.  We could shop for things nobody actually wanted after midnight.
2.  Letterman's Top 10 Lists didn't have to be funny to be wildly popular.
3.  We could hope to date someone who could spin-kick us through a wall.

Ah, good times.

Maybe Xena Ruined "Normal" Women for Me

There may be some truth to that. Then again, is it really that unreasonable to expect that the woman you're interested in could make you eggs benedict, brew your coffee, and learn how to ride a horse bareback onto carnage-filled battlefields to disembowel evil warlords while you were getting ready for work?

I think not!

At this point of my young life, I thought I wanted a girl who could let out a blood curdling battle cry. A girl who could race through her daily routine on a steed, crush deadlines and defeat the corporate powers of evil without even smudging her eye make-up stuff.

Meanwhile, I could barely make it through the day without tripping over my own shadow and singing Bee Gees songs in my head. Out of tune. With Dave as backup.

Hey, back off! The heart wants what the heart wants, Mabel!

Other Girls I Never Dated (Shameful, Really)

I'll admit, there were others that any lad my age would've liked to date. Here's a tiny portion of the long list:

LARA CROFT - My first not quite three-dimensional polygon-based heartbreak. In retrospect, it really was a little absurd to be intimidated by a video game character. Especially one who had less actual character development than sharp elbows and other, uh, developments that could poke your eyes out.

THE PINK POWER RANGER - Inspired me to try new moves I'd never attempted before. Roundhouse kicks, leaping leg sweeps, moonwalking. I pretended I too was fighting a Mighty Morphin bad guy and tried the transition from moonwalk to flying roundhouse kick. 

Oh, man! That coffee table shouldn't have been there. Who knew tempered glass shattered under the weight of crashing buttocks?

But alas, even though she inspired me, the pink power ranger never even knew of my existence. Mostly because she wasn't real, and I was nine........teen.

Shut up.

HONORABLE MENTIONS - These include several Disney princesses, Jennifer Lopez (the early years), any female character in any TV show who broke the fourth wall and was "talking to me" in my hormone and root beer addled mind, and Trish, the sundress wearing Sears mannequin.

Eventually, Adulthood Harshed My Gig

I did succumb to adulthood, as much as is possible, anyway. I admit, sometimes the transition felt like disappointing reruns of post-teen melodrama. Like 90210, only far more real.

Observation of the real world told me that real women don't fight entire cohorts of the Roman army for an afternoon training exercise. They're involved in real struggles. Fighting with bosses, supervisors, customer service reps, and men who really don't appreciate they're true value. 

Oh, and WiFi routers.

Turns out that confidence isn't forged in the heat of battle... it's forged in being able to assemble IKEA furniture without curse-crying.

What Xena Actually Taught Me

Still, there are some very real and practical lessons that Xena, through the medium of television and imagination, taught me.

She taught me to admire women who had strength. Emotionally stable, mentally unshakeable, and physically va-va-voomish. (I'm still a guy.) If she could wield kitchen tongs like a weapon at a barbecue, that was a huge bonus.

Fictional heroes shape expectations. They make us want the unrealistic. The perfect. The action packed. The deadly, especially on bad hair days. But real relationships teach us extraordinarily valuable things. Things like patience, humour, love, empathy, and not ducking behind the couch every time someone raises her arm a little too quickly.

Oh, and one tip for those still looking for their someone:

Don't try a rousing battle cry on the first date. Apparently it "sends the wrong message." Whatever that means.

Take it from this guy, who never dated Xena, or Lara, or Trish the sundress wearing Sears mannequin. We shared a glance and then mall security showed up.

Look for the real. She may be imperfect, and she may be something you never expected as a younger you. But you need to find her.

What I found is someone exciting, imperfect in a somehow perfect way. An amazing, beautiful woman who may not carry a sword, chakram, or emit a battle cry that could intimidate Genghis Khan, but somehow has managed to put up with me for 30 years.

Which is heroic in it's own right, don't you think?