When Bald Became Beautiful and Nerds Ruled the World

 Yes, this is another "there was a time" post.

There Was a Time...

...tragically recent if you ask anyone over 30, when being bald meant one of three things:

You were old.

You were stressed.

Your hair follicles had called it quits early and filed for permanent retirement. With no benefits.

At the same time, nerds were relegated to basements, classrooms, lockers, libraries, and the occasional comic book store that smelled vaguely of nacho cheese and the Old Spice aftershave they'd snuck off their father's dresser to impress "the ladies."

They never met "a lady." Plural form? Fuhget-about-it.

But somewhere along the way, the universe either got enlightened or a little bit confused. Because now, bald is beautiful. Nerds rule. And, let's face it, the world hasn't been the same since.

The Bald and the Beautiful...

Once, bald men were compared to cue balls, bowling pins, roll-on deodorants with arms, babies bottoms, polished glass, and premature moons.

Speaking of moons... they were the butt of many a sitcom joke. In films, they were always either the inept friend or the chronically inept bad guys henchman. Or Lex Luthor.

Worse, at weddings they were always cornered by some distant relative who for some reason was allowed to be armed with a camera. They would wait for cousin Baldwin (can't remember his real name) to be sweaty and shiny while dancing right under the disco ball. And flash - halo of light over chrome-dome shot taken.

Poor Baldwin just wanted to dance and eat cocktail weenies.

To make it even worse, one of the Grandma's would exclaim: "You're going bald. Don't worry, it suits you."

Spoiler: it did not suit them. If it did, it was in the same way an EF-3 tornado suits a trailer park.

But then something changed.

Somewhere between shampoo adds featuring a bald dude on a horse for no explicable reason and Instagram influencers treating a shiny scalp like a reflective accessory, baldness became sexy.

Suddenly, this former sign of aging before your time became an adaptation of advantage. Patrick Stewart, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - they all became walking proof that being follically challenged was just an option if you were swagger positive.

And then baldness got marketing. Industries arose to support the bald man.

Moisturizers, sunscreens, lotions, beard oils (because a lot of bald fellas need facial hair compensation), and Instagram filters all specifically designed to enhance and beautify the chromium cranium.

"Chrome-dome chic" is a thing. A very real thing. It's probably trending on TikTok.

Nerds: The Quiet Revenge of Takeover...

Meantime, nerds quietly - because being a loud nerd is still discouraged by other nerds - took over the world.

Not the ones who skulked about their parents basement playing D&D until 3am on Wednesdays with only a stuffed cardigan and a poster of Captain Kirk for company. Or the ones who wore flood-ready chinos with an unfortunate amount of sheer enthusiasm.

Or Dave. Poor, poor Dave.

We're referring to the ones who were obsessed with algorithms, sci-fi, coding, and -  for down time - wielding lightsabers at corporate events.

These were the same people who got laughed at and bullied in high school but ended up running billion dollar companies. And those companies invented tech that now tell us how to breathe, sleep, shop, and panic about AI.

Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Elon Musk - the new pantheon of bespectacled, brainy, busy by brilliance overlords.

Consider: the typical nerd used to be someone that could be humiliated at parties by a rousing game of beer pong. Now that nerd is the person who designed and built a beer pong playing robot that never misses.  And the bald guy is his pitch-man, going before boardrooms full of venture capitalists in a black turtleneck that cost more than an average car. 

Why?

The Chrome-Dome Geek Dynasty, That's Why...

That's right... somehow the bald and the nerdy got together, focused their complimentary powers, and begat something I like to call Nerbaldi, the new superhero duo.

Being hairless provides confidence and a reflective surface perfect for both brooding in natural light and intimidating with tremendous efficiency under fluorescence.

Nerdiness provides the ingenuity, intellect and superiority complex of a person who makes everyone else feel inadequate by dropping quantum physics analogies into brunch conversations. 

It's an unstoppable alliance.

We have to admit... they're winning. Hollywood, the technological battlefront, social media, politics and even TikTok dance challenges set to Bee Gees standards. Nerbaldi is everywhere. And yet nowhere. Possibly somewhere. 

I was going... where?????

Oh, yes. To the point that bald nerds have taken over industries that once treated them like basement-dwelling mistakes of parents who got romantic after calculus class.

They're celebrities, visionaries, influencers, thought leaders, business leaders, team leaders, country club leaders...

AND they'll kick your butt at pub trivia night.

How Society Changed Its Tune...

Women might have laughed at the sight of a shiny dome or thick glasses at one time. They said things like, "Oh, bless his heart" in a way that gave away their lack of one. Now, they're dating bald tech moguls, spending cybercurrency on purpose, and arguing with each other over things like whether Patrick Stewart or Jason Statham should narrate bedtime stories.

Bald is now a lifestyle choice, not a punchline.

A nerd is no longer a cautionary tale, but a touchstone. A resume entry.

What happened? How did the always before underdogs become overlords, the bald become beautiful, and the nerds usurp the throne?

The whole answer is complicated, multi-faceted, and to be perfectly honest, more than a little terrifying.

But here's the condensed version:

The world started to realize two things at the same time.

First, intelligence, innovation, and confidence are sexy. They always were, but were blocked by the Ray-Bans of 'cool' bad boys who were actually just jerks and the glute-and-pec combination of jocks. Now they're mainstream.

Second, hair is overrated. Highly overrated. It gets in the way of aerodynamic walks, plugs the shower drain, distracts from the brilliance of the nerds microscope slides, and blocks the charging panel for this love machine.

Yes, that IS someone laughing way too loud. There's at least a possibility it's not my wife. 

How the Rest of the World Should Adapt...

What to do in a world where the former high school bully is now unemployed?

The quarterback with the perfect hair is now working in a coffee shop, while the balding, glasses-wearing fellow student he ignored (at best) in high school owns the place. And invented a double-decaffeinated soy milk and almond extract, cold brewed, heated twice over, electrolyte infused foaming two-bite brownie, fudge-caramel cappuccino that made him famous overnight.

Those who are neither bald nor nerdy need to reconsider their place in the new world order, cuz hair products and video games only get you so far.

Learn something. Try a turtleneck. Invest in moisturizer. Look through a telescope. Do something, because the Chrome-Dome Geek Dynasty is coming, and yes, it's relentless.

Despite of how absurd it may seem, there's beauty in all of this.

Bald men exude confidence that once only belonged to Hollywood heartthrobs and four-star generals. Nerds wield power only had by kings, emperors, and mother-in-laws. The combination is legendary.

If you happen to be a slightly balding, nerdy-leaning person reading this: hey, congrats on becoming royalty! The world is your court. Your crown a reflective, hairless dome. Your ruling sceptre could possibly be a pocket protected USB stick holding the secrets of the universe. 

Who knows? Maybe someday, a younger generation will look back at the early 21st century, shake their heads, and say "Remember when people thought hair was uber important and nerds were losers?"

And those of us who were there will smile.

Because we lived to see the day that bald became beautiful and nerds ruled the world. And we didn't have to pretend to have a working knowledge of quantum computing just to survive the cafeteria.

The mystery meat was risky enough.