When Legwarmers Went With Everything - The 80's #12

 At some point in the 80's, minds were lost, the fashion police went on strike, and somebody somewhere suggested:

"Hey! Why don't we take a pair of way oversized knitted socks, cut the toes out, and scrunch the rest up around our calves until our legs look like upside-down, overused Q-Tips."

And the world aggressively nodded:

"OK!"

Neon was everything. Everything was already big, grandiose by design, and built to grab your attention. But that wasn't enough.

Designers, trend makers, fashion icons... in the 80's they all asked the same basic question.

How do we make this visible from space?

And then the trend was embraced with the kind of commitment usually reserved for cult-like religious movements and/or pyramid schemes.

Suddenly, legwarmers were everywhere.

Aerobics class? Legwarmers.

Shopping mall? Legwarmers.

School? Legwarmers.

Office? Trip to the dentist? Beach day? Yep, probably legwarmers.

The remarkable thing wasn't that people wore them while exercising. 

After all, when you spend an hour kicking your legs around while an aggressively cheerful instructor shouts motivational slogans at you over synthesizer music, your calves deserve a cozy sweater, Annabelle!

No, the strange part was how quickly legwarmers escaped the confines of gyms and aerobics studios. They were like a fashionable invasive species.

Soon they were being paired with jeans.

Skirts.

Shorts.

Leggings.

Sweatpants.

Even socks... which at that point just became legwarmer extensions.

At their peak popularity, someone could have worn a tuxedo, scuba fins, a Viking helmet, and fluorescent orange legwarmers and fashionistas would've nodded thoughtfully and said:

"Good. Very contemporary."

We really shouldn't be surprised. After all, this IS the decade that gave us shoulder pads the size of aircraft carriers, hair that required structural engineering permits, and neon colours so bright they interfered with airport navigational systems.

So yeah, legwarmers fit right in to that glorious carnival of questionable decision making.

What fascinates this writer is trying to imagine the sales pitch.

Picture it: a boardroom full of executives, and the CEO of some major company saying:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've already convinced people to wear queen-sized pillows on their shoulders and spray enough hairspray into the atmosphere to give a tornado an afro. What's next?"

A nervous intern raises a hand.

"What if we sold partial work socks in blindingly bright hues?"

The room falls silent.

Then someone whispers, "My goodness..."

And a billion-dollar industry is born.

Of course, legwarmers weren't alone. The 80's seemed determined to solve problems nobody actually had.

Toasty toes but cold calves? Legwarmers.

Need to carry things like I.D. that should be secured insecurely? Fanny pack.

Need your sunglasses at night? Now we all have after-dark aviators, Corey!

Want your jeans tighter? Let's pretend circulation isn't a thing.

The entire decade operated on a simple principle:

If something looked ridiculous, add more of it.

That explains why my closet was full of outfits that looked like they were assembled by a blind monkey during a power outage in a window-free fabric outlet.

Yet, despite all the jokes, there's something nostalgically and oddly loveable about the whole mess.

The 80's didn't do subtle. And nobody was trying to blend in.

Modern fashion often feels like a contest to see who can look the most casually effortless.

The 80's looked at effortless and decided it was "gag me with spoon" boring.

They wanted effort. Visible effort. Effort that could be witnessed from neighbouring postal codes.

A typical outfit involved enough colours, accessories, layers, and hairspray to require a project manager.

Every generation has something that will be mocked mercilessly at some point.

Bell bottoms.

Powdered wigs.

Mullets.

Crocs.

Something you're wearing right now will be considered "an unfortunate period in fashion history" at some point.

The 80's were pre-aware of that absurdity and carried on anyway...

Now THAT takes confidence.